<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>To Be So Lonely by nonbinary_writer_pal</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122200">To Be So Lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinary_writer_pal/pseuds/nonbinary_writer_pal'>nonbinary_writer_pal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Avatar: The Last Airbender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), College, Depression, Eventual Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Explicit Language, F/M, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Hurt Sokka (Avatar), I love Sokka, M/M, Overworking, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, POV Sokka (Avatar), Past Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Past Sokka/Yue (Avatar), Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Sokka (Avatar)-centric, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, and they were ROOMMATES, mostly Sokka, poor Sokka, some Zuko POV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:27:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,089</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122200</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinary_writer_pal/pseuds/nonbinary_writer_pal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Freshmen Year, University of California, Berkley</p><p>A year of new beginnings -- friendships, relationships, all of the above --, new discoveries, new love, and the eventual college course. Zuko's first time ever being away from home and his uncle, finally free. Sokka's chance to escape home and start over.</p><p>The story of Sokka, and Zuko, and everything that came in between.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aang &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Aang/Katara (Avatar), Katara &amp; Sokka (Avatar), Sokka &amp; Suki (Avatar), Sokka &amp; Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title is from harry style's "to be so lonely"</p><p>i don't own the characters or the world, etc.</p><p>please enjoy :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka’s vision was blurred. For a moment, he thought he may have been able to think clearly again, but then someone eagerly forced another small shot glass into his hand and he eagerly took it. He didn’t want to think tonight. And yes, he knew this was a bad idea. But he was drunk. And sad. Drunk and sad. It wasn’t a good combo. </p><p>He knew he was supposed to call Katara today. He didn’t think she’d care that he was sloshed out of his mind -- or rather, she would care. He didn’t think she’d say anything to his dad, and that was really all that mattered. Either way, she wanted to talk to him today to make sure he was… doing alright.</p><p>God knows he was doing… <em>something</em>.</p><p>As he threw back his 6th (7th? He’d lost count) shot of tequila and grimaced, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He set the shot glass back down and pulled his phone out. The brightness was way too high, he realized hazily as he squinted. And his glasses were gone. And he wasn’t wearing contacts. </p><p><em> That’s not good. I’ll find those later </em>.</p><p>He had several new text messages (a few from Katara asking to call, one from Zuko, and one from Suki). He sighed, going to read what Zuko had said before his heart all but leapt out of his chest and he reread the name again -- <em> Suki </em> . It was Suki it <em> was Suki </em>- </p><p>
  <em> Suki: hey </em>
</p><p>That was it. That was it?! Hey. She just said hey?! Maybe he shouldn’t have taken so many shots so quickly… His thoughts were beginning to scramble (more than usual anyways). He wasn’t sure what to say. What did she want? </p><p><em> Drunk texting your ex </em> , Sokka could basically hear Katara chastising. <em> Not a good move. </em></p><p>“She texted me first.” Sokka mumbled aloud, his fingers slowly and carefully moving to the <em> h-e-y </em> before pressing send. He’d deleted all of their previous conversations so it was just the two little messages -- “hey” “hey”. As if that was all that had ever happened.</p><p>And of course, the thought of Suki made his mind spiral back to the reason he had taken so many shots in succession. The real reason Suki had to be texting him <em> today </em> of all days. His head really was spinning. </p><p>“You want another, Sokka?” Someone had called. </p><p>His head slightly lifted, trying to figure out where the sound of his name had come from. “Hell yeah,” he responded. He felt like he was in a daze, his mind almost stuck on a loop. He did want another. If it’d make the loop go away, if only for tonight. </p><p>He heard his name again, from the same direction. He struggled to focus his eyes, to make eye contact with whoever was calling for him. It all had hit him very quickly and he was way too drunk to recognize the voice. “Sokka!” Suddenly, he felt a hand on his arm and he jumped, his eyes focusing on-</p><p>“Zuko?” It was true, it was really him - his roommate of one month and three days. “I...I thought you weren’t coming…” His words were slurred slightly. He wondered if Zuko could tell. <em> He definitely could. Sokka wasn’t exactly known for being subtle </em>. </p><p> Zuko shrugged, looking around awkwardly. “I, uh… I’ve never been to a party before.” He admitted, looking up and meeting Sokka’s eyes. “I figured I should at least go to one…”</p><p>Sokka felt himself smiling. “Well I’m glad you’re here.” He felt his hand on Zuko’s shoulder, he could almost feel Zuko’s heartbeat. “First party’ll be a breeze when you’ve got ol’ Sokka as your pal.” </p><p>“Hey!” Someone called from behind him. Sokka spun around, his eyes finally locking with the person who’d asked him… something earlier. “Do you still want-”</p><p>“Make it two!” Sokka called, grabbing Zuko’s hand and pulled him towards the drink-table. He was aware he was grinning like an idiot and he was aware (again) this wasn’t the best of ideas, but… fuck it. Tequila made him warm and a little reckless. It also helped him abandoned his anxiety and all thoughts of Suki and Yue-</p><p><em> Fuck </em> . Sokka’s mind skipped a beat, but he managed to keep it together. <em> Nope. Anything other than that. </em>They’d reached the drink table and someone handed both Sokka and Zuko their own shot glasses filled to the brim with tequila (Sokka had already been through and lost track of several). Zuko stared at the contents of it before looking up and meeting Sokka’s gaze. “Is this… safe?” </p><p>Sokka raised an eyebrow. “What’d you mean ‘is this safe’? Is it safe to drink?” Sokka laughed a little, almost involuntarily. “God I hope so.”</p><p>“What is it?” Zuko inquired, his eyes sparkling. He looked nervous still, but more willing than Sokka had ever seen before. </p><p>“Fuckin’ cactus juice, dude.” Sokka added when Zuko didn’t react, “It’s tequila. Cactus juice is just a dumb nickname for it, popularized in my hometown by yours truly.”</p><p>“Oh.” Zuko nodded, looking just as lost as before. Sokka could almost see the battle inside his head, the “will I, won’t I”. </p><p>“Hey,” Zuko looked back up at him. “I’m not gonna… gonna like pressure you into doing anything or whatever. It’s up to you, but I can verify that it won’t kill you.” Neither of them moved for a moment so Sokka added, “Seriously, don’t… don’t feel pressured or-”</p><p>Zuko looked him in the eyes and brought the glass to his lips, tipping it up and drinking all of the contents. <em> Oh shit </em>. Instantly, his eyes widened and he gasped, coughing. “Ew.” Zuko said a moment later. </p><p>Sokka almost laughed, but he figured that’d be mean. He was just desensitized to it at this point. Back at home, he was the <em> king </em> of cactus juice. He’d earned that name the hard way. Plus, Zuko looked a little freaked out (even in his inebriated state, Sokka could tell that). “Yeah. It’s pretty fucking gross.” Sokka said. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Zuko wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, grimacing. “Not really my thing.”</p><p>“You know… that’s ok.” Sokka nodded before quickly downing his own shot. The liquid burned the inside of his mouth and throat. In the back of his mind, Sokka knew he should cap it. He was getting relatively close to how he felt that one time at homecoming (right after… <em> it </em> happened). Sokka’s friends had been mixing shit with the punch and Sokka had gotten ahold of one of the, uh, more alcoholic mixers and, well… Katara had to call dad because Sokka had been passed out, drunk off his ass in a field, instead of ready to drive her home nearly an hour past their scheduled leaving time after her first homecoming. </p><p>Sokka didn’t remember a lot about that night (at least not past his first hookup with Suki in the woods, which he did <em> not </em> want to think about at the present moment), but he remembered he’d started to pass the limit of “presentably drunk” when the alcohol started to taste like water.</p><p>“I think I may have drunk these a little too quick,” Sokka heard himself admitting a few minutes later. </p><p>“Took… The shots?” Zuko asked. Sokka nodded, but it may have been a shrug or a no because the world was starting to spin around him, like he was the center of the room and the room was spinning. “Are you okay? How many did you have?”</p><p>“Uhhhh couple…” He tried to get his slow mind to remember and to <em> count </em>. Then he realized how Zuko was looking at him, all worried and like Sokka was going to die at any second. “I know how to hold my alcohol though Zuko, don’t worry… I’m gonna be fine…” </p><p>“You seem a little unstable,” Zuko noted. </p><p>Sokka then noticed he was swaying a little. <em> Shit </em>. “I’m fine dude, I promise…” He hated when people babied him. He understood people being concern or whatever, but he’d been babied for every day of his life. He just wanted to be a normal person without people always making sure he was okay. </p><p>So what if he was passed out on the ground (after throwing up 4 separate times on the walk back through the woods after fucking Suki<em> shit dont think about Suki </em>) in the middle of the football field, staring up at the stars and babbling about how Yue was up there, up in the moon now? What if that was right where he wanted to be?</p><p>Maybe he’d go do that right now. They had a football field. A football <em> stadium </em> actually. Nobody -- especially not Zuko the <em> roommate </em> -- had the ability to tell him otherwise.</p><p>“I have no doubt you’ll be fine, I just… want to make sure you’re alive in the morning,” Zuko answered. “You seemed a little worried there for a second.”</p><p>“No.” Sokka shook his head, words just falling out of his mouth now. Yeah, eight shots all within less than twenty minutes was not the best idea. “It was just an observation. I’m fine. Just observing Like that your eyes, your eyes are really golden and really pretty and they shine like the sun…” He was rambling, rambling on about Zuko’s <em> eyes </em> . And for some reason he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t entirely want to stop himself. “Yue’s eyes were like the ocean, they seemed to know everything… She was so smart and so nice, she was my first girlfriend, she was my best friend… My best friend and then you know what? She fucking <em> died </em> , today, 3 years ago she <em> died </em> . She was crossing the street and some asshole hit her and just… just didn’t look back and then she <em> died </em>…”</p><p>“Sokka…” Zuko’s voice was low. Clearly, he had no idea how to approach the conversation. Sokka <em> had </em>just kind of dropped information on his roommate. He wasn’t even sure if Zuko wanted to be his friend. </p><p>He felt a hand on his shoulder, he could feel slight pressure, but he almost didn’t register it. All he could feel were the sheets of tears in his eyes that he absolutely <em> refused </em> to shed. He couldn’t cry, he didn’t need to cry. Crying was weak. It’d make Sokka seem weak. “I’m sorry, I’m fine.” Sokka shook his head, turning slightly so Zuko couldn’t see his eyes as he wiped his eyes. “I’m fine Zuko, don’t worry, I just miss her a lot…” He lifted his head. It felt like a boulder. “I’m drunk,” Sokka announced. </p><p>“I know.” Zuko almost laughed. Sokka hadn’t ever heard Zuko laugh before, he realized suddenly. Right then and there, he made it his mission to make Zuko laugh for real. A real, happy, for reals laugh. “Do you want to go back to the room?” </p><p>Sokka looked up, confused. “Why?” </p><p>Zuko seemed taken aback and he went to pull his hand off of Sokka’s shoulder. “I-I dunno, you just… you seemed upset and I thought maybe it’d… I don’t know, maybe you wanted to leave.”</p><p>“Oh.” Sokka sighed, wiping at his nose. His head was spinning. “No… I don’t want to leave.”</p><p>“What do you want to do then?” Zuko asked. </p><p>Sokka wasn’t sure. There were a million things he wanted to do (obviously, there always were), but only so many things were possible. Especially with his inebriated state. He opened his mouth to answer when suddenly, his voice began to vibrate again, tickling his thigh. He grabbed it, confused, and pulled it up only to feel a physical weight crush his shoulders. </p><p>
  <em> SUKI SUKI is calling…  </em>
</p><p>“I… have to take this…” He mumbled, his heart suddenly pounding as he walked away without hearing Zuko respond. He hadn’t spoken to Suki since before he had left home. Way before. It’d been… awkward. For a while. Since just a few days after graduation. </p><p><em> I’m sorry Sokka, I’m leaving for the summer… and then I’m going to be at Yale and you’ll be in California… I think we should… we should put a pause. On us. For at least a little while </em>.</p><p>Which then turned into “<em> I’m sorry Sokka, this is too hard </em> ” which essentially meant “ <em> bye bitch </em>”, leaving Sokka brokenhearted and depressed all summer. As if that was a change. </p><p>He shut the bathroom door behind him and clumsily accepted the call. Slowly, he brought the phone to his ear and cleared his throat. “Hello?” He called, even though he knew who it was. </p><p>“Hi Sokka.” He felt his throat close up a little. “Where are you?” She asked a moment later when neither of them said anything. “I can hear music?”</p><p>“Oh.” Sokka said a little too loudly. “I’m in the bathroom at school. There was a football game today. Everyone’s partying.” </p><p>“Ah.” Suki suddenly sounded disapproving and worried. “And are… are you partying?”</p><p>“Why does it matter?” Sokka sounded defensive, he realized as he stared at himself in the mirror. His hair was coming out of its ponytail, strands falling near his eyes. Honestly? Sokka thought he just looked tired. Slowly, he slid to the ground when Suki didn’t answer. He watched as he vanished in the mirror. “We aren’t dating anymore, you can’t tell me what to do.”</p><p>“I’m just worried about you,” Suki said quickly. “I know today’s a hard day, but you can’t just-”</p><p>“Just what?” Sokka cut her off, his heart pounding. He felt slightly sick. “You can’t tell me what to do anymore, Suki. You broke <em> up </em> with me. You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.”</p><p>“I’m not trying to tell you what to do,” Suki sounded frustrated suddenly. “I’m just trying to make sure you aren’t killing yourself.”</p><p>“Scouts honor,” Sokka sighed. “I’m being responsible, I promise.”</p><p>“Are you?” She didn’t sound convinced.</p><p>“Yes! Of course I am, I’m always responsible. Responsible is my middle name practically…” Sokka let out a giggle involuntarily. “No it isn’t, my middle name isn’t responsible. But I am being responsible though, I’m not being dumb.”</p><p>Suki didn’t speak for a moment. “Okay.” She said, sounded exasperated. “Whatever you say, genius.” It melted his heart to hear her say that. <em> God </em> he missed her. But it was too hard and too soon -- he’d fucked it up too bad. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? You’re slurring your words pretty bad there, you idiot.”</p><p>“I miss you a lot,” He blurted. “I’ve been tryin’ not to think about you because it just, it… it hurts my heart too much and I just feel sad but, but… but I really miss you, Suki, I’m sorry I’m so… so stupid and bad and that I fucked up even our friendship, but I just…”</p><p>“Sokka.” Suki sounded pained, like she was in pain. “You’re rambling.”</p><p>“But I mean it, I really do, I miss you,” Sokka insisted. “I miss you and I miss talking to you, I wish you were here but you aren’t, I wish we could still talk, I fucking miss you Yue I miss-”</p><p>“Yue?” Suki’s voice was suddenly angry, like she couldn’t believe it. “Did you just call me Yue? <em> Really </em>? Today!?” Her voice cracked with emotion. Sokka tried to rewind his mind to double check, but Suki cut him off. “Sokka, you know I love you, but this is too hard. I can’t… I can’t, this is too hard for me. I can’t still be your babysitter thousands of miles away when we... when we aren't even dating, I’m sorry.” Her voice broke again.</p><p>It was all the same suddenly, the same words. “<em> I can’t be your babysitter, I’m sorry </em> ” AKA “ <em> I know you’re really struggling but I can’t help you deal with it </em> ” AKA “ <em> deal with it yourself” </em> AKA “ <em> you’re not worth my time </em>”. She’d said the exact same words when she broke up with him. He felt sick. “Y-You’re saying it again, why are you… you saying it again…”</p><p>“You’re drunk, Sokka, please, I just… Can you call me tomorrow? When you’re sober?” Suki sighed. Sokka didn’t think she really did want to talk to him tomorrow, she was just trying to get rid of him now. “Sokka?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He mumbled. “Ok, I… I’m sorry, I didn’t-”</p><p>“Just drink some water, okay? For me.” Suki hung up before he could say anything else.</p><p>For a moment, Sokka just stared ahead. The “I still love you” died on his lips. His head was still swimming, trying to process (unsuccessfully) what had just happened. <em> Call me tomorrow, when you’re sober </em>. </p><p><em> Fuck </em> . Sokka felt tears in his eyes again, dribbling down his cheeks before he could do anything. <em> No. No no no </em>- He wiped furiously at his face, trying to get the tears to stop. He didn’t want to cry, not now, but he couldn’t help it. He knew it wasn’t the end of the world, but it felt like it. He felt like he was drowning and that his only life-line, the only person who got it at least a little bit, was gone. </p><p>Slowly, he brought himself to his feet. His head was still swimming. <em> Call me tomorrow when you’re sober </em>. </p><p><em> Fuck you, Suki </em>, Sokka spat into the sink before walking out, dried tears still stuck to his face. He needed another drink. </p><p> </p><p>*************</p><p> </p><p>By the time Zuko had relocated Sokka after his phone call, he had moved outside. Sokka was laying in the yard between all of the dorms, two more empty White Claws right beside him and a halfway-empty one in his hand. Zuko hadn’t ever seen Sokka act like this. First of all, Zuko hadn’t ever seen Sokka drink before -- sure, he knew that he had in the past, but seeing it was… something different all-together. He wasn’t exactly a stranger to overly-drunk people, but Sokka looked different than normal. He just looked… depressed. </p><p>Zuko slowly sat beside Sokka, who turned his head and attempted to focus on his face. “Oh. Hey roomie!” Sokka swished the contents of the drink in his hand. “Sorry I lost you, I looked but then I, uh… got distracted.” </p><p>“Who called you earlier? Are you okay?” Zuko asked, trying to make… some sort of conversation. He’d seen the way that Sokka’s shoulders had dropped when he’d seen the name. He didn’t want to push, but he could tell something was up. Zuko figured it was… the duty of being his roommate, or something, to make sure Sokka was okay.</p><p>Sokka seemed to consider it for a second, staring up at the sky. There was an intense sort of… sadness in the way he looked. “It’s, uh… It’s a long story, it was my ex-girlfriend Suki… I miss her a lot too.” His unfocused gaze dropped and he took a long drink from his can. “I’m really sorry, you don’t need to baby-sit me, I promise I can take care of myself…” </p><p>“I’m not… baby-sitting you…” Zuko sighed, studying the other boy. Even after drinking more than half of his weight in alcohol, Sokka looked… perfect. “I’m just sitting with you.”</p><p>“Tryin’ to make sure I don’t do anything stupid,” Sokka slurred. “I know how it’s done, Katara’s done it enough times with me… And Suki too.” Saying the name seemed to make him physically flinch and he groaned. “<em> Fuck </em>. I hate her. No, fuck, I don’t, I miss her, but I…” Sokka sighed deeply, as if trying to collect his thoughts. </p><p>Zuko didn’t know what to do. He’d never been in the presence of someone drunk that he didn’t feel afraid of (it was sad, but it was the truth). He’d studied the art of watching someone be intoxicated and all of the things that come along with it. But he never knew how to react to people talking about their emotions. Emotions had been a taboo topic in his home. </p><p>Sokka just kept talking. “See, the thing is that I dated Yue before she died and then once she died, I was… I hooked up with Suki and eventually started dating her, but I felt really guilty the whole time, like I was… betraying Yue or something. Cause the thing is Yue was my first ever girlfriend, she was the first person that…” Sokka struggled to articulate what he meant with his hands, gesturing up towards the sky. “That, you know, that… that saw me and like… well, yeah, who <em> liked </em> me for who I am, you know? And then she fucking <em> died </em> and no one’s seen me like that since and I tried with Suki, I really did try but… I just couldn’t, I hated myself because I felt like Yue would be sad. Cause Yue was always really nice and she was the kindest person in the world I’ve ever met and… I don’t want her to… but she’s… fuck…” He let his hands drop over his eyes.</p><p>For a minute, Zuko just stared at Sokka, trying to fully comprehend Sokka’s slurred, broken story. “I don’t think Yue would be sad that you’re dating someone else,” Zuko tried to be reasonable and help. “She’d be happy that you’re happy.”</p><p>“Yeah, I think you’re right but… but now I’m not even dating Suki anymore…” Sokka let out a defeated sign. “I can’t stop being sad.” He admitted another moment later. “I miss them so much. I just wish I didn’t fuck everything up.” Then he sat up quickly, looking over at Zuko with a new, almost desperate intent in his eyes. “I’m sorry I got all sad, alcohols’ a depressant, I dunno what I really expected…” </p><p>“You don’t need to apologize for talking to me,” Zuko said quickly, trying to keep Sokka’s unsteady gaze. “You know, I do want to be your friend, Sokka.”</p><p>A giddy, childish grin spread across his face instantly, making Zuko unbelievably glad he’d just said those words. “Really?!”</p><p>Zuko rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the surge of butterflies in his chest. “Really.”</p><p>“That’s such a relief…” Sokka laid back down, staring back up at the sky. “I thought you didn’t like me. It was really eating me up, I hate it when people don’t like me… I can be a little annoying, I get it, but I’m a comic genius.” Zuko smiled a little. Sokka’s eyes lit up more and his own smile grew. “You should… you should smile more… it’s a good look.” Zuko wasn’t sure what to make of that. It must have shown on his face, because Sokka added, “Sorry, I’m… I’m a little drunk…”</p><p>“More than a little…” Zuko pointed out, shaking his head. “You should get home. I think you’re done here.”</p><p>“Whoa, whoa…” Sokka rose onto his elbows, staring at Zuko with a grin on his face. “We’ve officially been friends for only like… a couple minutes, where’s this ordering me around shit coming from? Deciding when I’m done where, no!” Sokka rose unsteadily, his third empty White Claw can clattering into the grass to join the other two as he staggered off a bit just to keep himself balanced. “I decide when I’m done where and when and <em> how </em>, thank you very much.” </p><p>Ironically, that was also the moment Sokka’s body decided that it had been put through enough shenanigans for today and he doubled over, spewing liquids all over the grass in between the two of them. Zuko winced, looking away. <em> Ugh </em>…</p><p>A few moments later, he looked up to see Sokka standing upright again, looking significantly more miserable than he had a moment ago. His hair had officially come loose from his pony-tail, handing down around his face in layers. His cheeks were flushed, the bottom of his t-shirt was stained ever so slightly (ew). His eyes were still unfocused and he was breathing heavily. Slowly, Sokka met Zuko’s eyes and nodded even slower. “Okay. I’m done.”</p><p>Zuko shook his head, surprised to find himself amused by his roommate’s actions. “Okay… Let’s head back.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. advil and phone calls</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sokka woke up the next day with a splitting headache. He moaned, raising his hand to his forehead as he cursed “<em> Ow </em>… the hell…” It felt like someone was trying to break through his skull from the inside out.</p><p>“Yeah,” Zuko’s voice spoke from his side of the room. Sokka could tell he was trying to be quiet, despite the fact that his voice was so loud it was bouncing around in Sokka’s head like a sledgehammer. Sokka turned to face him, confused. Zuko was sitting on his bed, his laptop open and several notebooks lying in front of him. “You kind of outdid yourself…” </p><p>“I…” Sokka rubbed his eyes, trying to remember since when Zuko spoke to him with such ease. Usually he had to all but force conversation out of his roommate. “What’d I do?” <em> And since when do we… discuss anything? </em></p><p>“From what I gathered, a couple too many shots…” The corners of Zuko’s mouth lifted. He was almost smiling. It was almost unnerving -- in the entire month Zuko had been here, Sokka couldn’t remember once seeing him smile. “It was pretty entertaining.”</p><p>Sokka felt his cheeks flush. “S-Shut up.” He remembered going to the party, he remembered Zuko getting there, he remembered… he remembered getting a call from Suki. Some of her words flooded back, all but slapping him in the face -- <em> Call me tomorrow when you’re sober </em>.</p><p>Well. He’d definitely shown her. </p><p>Sokka’s head throbbed particularly painfully and he groaned, reaching over and rummaging through one of the drawers on his desk. He managed to pull out a small container of Advil and popped two out, swallowing them with a swish of water. “<em> Fuck </em> I hope that helps.” He mumbled to himself before he looked back over at Zuko, who was still staring at him. “Did I… do anything stupid?”</p><p>Zuko paused for a moment before he spoke. “Nothing… nothing too embarrassing. You did say you wanted to be my friend,” He added a moment later. Sokka looked up, meeting his gaze. Zuko’s cheeks flushed and Sokka could see his roommate start to panic a little. “I-I think at least, if you didn’t mean it though, that’s okay, I-”</p><p>Sokka shook his head quickly, interjecting even faster even though the sudden movement made his headache worse. “No, no, I did mean it, I did!” Sokka could vaguely remember the conversation Zuko was referring to. They’d be outside, he realized. <em> How’d I get outside? </em>“I did mean it,” He added a bit more calmly. “I want to be your friend.”</p><p>And he really did, he had wanted to be friends with his roommate since the very beginning. But Zuko had seemed almost opposed to it, ignoring Sokka's many attempts at conversation or invitations to eat. <em> Apparently not…? </em></p><p>“I’m not very good at making friends,” Zuko admitted a moment later. Sokka instantly let his mouth close. It was the most Zuko had said about himself in the past… month or so that they’d been living together -- the most substantial thing that Sokka knew about Zuko, that he wasn’t very good at making friends. Sokka knew Zuko didn’t have many friends. Zuko spent way too much time alone in their room for that. </p><p>Sokka quickly realized there was nothing else Zuko wanted to say, so he quickly joined in, “Friends are hard.”</p><p>“You don’t seem to have too much trouble with it,” Zuko rolled his eyes. </p><p>“Well, uh, everybody loves a dumbass, comedian, soccer player. They’re a lot of people's favorite character archetype.” He knew all too well that wasn’t true, but he said it anyways. The corners of Zuko’s mouth rose a little bit. Sokka made himself smile in response, even though his head was all but trying to kill him. </p><p>“You should drink some water,” Zuko added a moment later before looking back at his computer screen. <em> Okay… End of conversation </em>. Sokka thought as he grabbed his water bottle from beside his bed.</p><p><em> But at least it </em> was <em> a conversation </em> . <em> That was... something </em>. </p><p> </p><p>******</p><p> </p><p>His phone dinged a couple of hours later. Sokka looked up from his physics homework (his head had stopped hurting as badly and he was able to focus (minimally, but some focus was better than none)). He finally opened it to see several angry messages from his sister, whom he was supposed to have called last night, and two messages from Suki.</p><p><em> Suki </em>.</p><p>The entire conversation with her came flooding back -- more specifically, him offending her, his pathetic pleading and Suki’s (not for the first time) outright rejection. Sokka groaned. <em> Fuck </em>. </p><p><em> That marks one stupid thing I did last night </em> , Sokka thought bitterly as he turned back to his physics homework. Sober Sokka didn’t trust Drunk Sokka within one inch of his life to say rational things, especially on… well, yesterday. And <em> especially </em> with ridiculous amounts of both alcohol and highly repressed emotions in his system. </p><p>A few moments later, Zuko finally spoke again. “Sokka?” He lifted his head to see Zuko nervously playing with a pen. <em> Great </em>. “I…” He seemed to have to force his words out. “I’ve been meaning to ask… are you alright?”</p><p>That wasn’t something he was expecting. Sokka shrugged. “I mean, yeah, my head’s definitely been better, but-”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant,” Zuko interrupted quickly, almost as if he was scared Sokka wouldn’t let him speak. “I meant… About your friend. Yue?” Sokka froze at her name, feeling his eyes widen. “You mentioned yesterday was-”</p><p>“I mentioned?” <em> Fuck fuck fuck fuck </em> . He’d <em> talked </em> about Yue (and probably Suki too, god knows he couldn’t keep his mouth shut) to Zuko, to his roommate. He hadn’t wanted anyone to know, and now the one person he lived with knew. He’d probably explained a great deal of… of everything, all of his <em> stupid </em> mistakes- “ <em> Fuck </em>.”</p><p>“I just… wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss,” Zuko was still staring at the pen in his hands, clicking it over and over again. He seemed almost as uncomfortable as Sokka felt, although he didn’t really know why.</p><p>Sokka could feel his heart pounding suddenly, feeling like a drum against his chest. His head had begun to throb faintly again. “What… What exactly did I say?” Sokka tried to sound as calm as possible, but he wasn’t exactly calm so it was difficult.</p><p>“Not much,” Zuko added quickly and unconvincingly, turning the pen over again and again in his hands. He refused to meet Sokka’s gaze.</p><p>“Fuck.” Sokka swore again, trying to think of something to say. He wasn’t sure what Zuko knew or what he thought -- or even how much he’d actually <em> told </em> him. Considering how Sokka had felt the night before, he had a bad feeling Zuko knew all too much. His heart skipped a beat. “ <em> Fuck </em>.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Zuko said awkwardly, sitting up a little straighter. “I won’t tell anyone.”</p><p>The thought of Zuko telling anyone hadn’t even crossed Sokka’s mind. But <em> now </em> it did. And it was stuck there, the entire campus knowing how shitty he really was. He was basically woman repellant and now that could be broadcasted around the entire school. His first girlfriend had literally <em> died </em> and his second had dumped him and run off to Yale. Anyone else just wanted to hook up and, as much as Sokka liked to play himself up as a bad boy, he didn’t like one night stands. They made him feel uneasy.</p><p>However, he <em> did </em> apparently hook up with his best friend who’d liked him forever (which had apparently been common knowledge to everyone except Sokka) literal <em> weeks </em> after his other girlfriend had died. At homecoming. In the woods. On school property. Drunk off his ass. </p><p>He did a lot of incredibly <em> stupid </em> things drunk off his ass.  </p><p>Sokka was suddenly very aware of Zuko just… staring at him. The other boy looked concerned, his face illuminated with the glow of his computer. His eyes never left Sokka’s face, which really unnerved him. He wasn’t used to anyone, let alone his roommate, paying this much attention to him. </p><p>He was glad when Zuko awkwardly looked back to his homework without saying anything else. His heart was pounding furiously, his mind was racing a little too fast for his liking, and he still felt off from the night before. <em> I can’t believe I talked about Yue </em>… He thought furiously.</p><p>Yue had been the one thing Sokka had sworn to keep to himself. That entire… part of his past was something he didn’t want to share, not only because it was painful to think about, but because he was so… ashamed of how he’d handled it (it being a combination of her death and Suki).</p><p>His phone buzzed another time, a text message appearing on the screen. His heart leapt. <em> Speak of the devil and she shall appear </em>.</p><p>
  <em> Suki: are u ok? </em>
</p><p>Okay was a complicated word. Sokka didn’t feel okay -- he felt embarrassed and hungover and slightly panicked and anxious. But telling her that wasn’t going to be helpful. He knew what she actually wanted to talk about. </p><p>
  <em> Sokka: yeah im fine </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sokka: did u actually want to call me? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sokka: sorry last nights a lil bit fuzzy </em>
</p><p>He could almost hear her laughing at him through the screen. <em> Suki: yeah I figured lol. and yea if u r up to it </em></p><p>Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he <em> was </em> up to it. But he grabbed his headphones from his desk, plugged them into his phone, and stood quickly. Zuko didn’t seem to notice as Sokka left and Sokka couldn’t help but sigh a little in relief. At least that was normal. He didn’t feel like explaining himself or where he was going.</p><p>It took Sokka all too long to press the call button. His heart was pounding. For some reason, calling Suki felt terrifying. She picked up on the third ring. “Sokka?”</p><p>“Hey.” Sokka answered half-heartedly, his heart leaping yet again (<em> ugh </em>) at the sound of her voice. “How's it hangin’?”</p><p>For a second, she didn’t respond and Sokka wondered if there was something wrong with his microphone or if she was just regretting accepting the call. Then, she sighed. “I’m… I’m alright. It’s been a hard week… Are you?” She added a moment later.</p><p>“Eh.” Sokka sighed, stepping outside of his dorm into the warm, California air. “I’m alive.”</p><p>“How’s your head?” </p><p>“It’s fine actually, thank you very much.” He couldn’t tell if he was being chastised or just was being made fun of. “You know me, I can hold my cactus juice. I’m a big boy.”</p><p>Suki laughed a little. The sound made his heart skip a beat, aching. “You sounded pretty out of it last night,” She added. Sokka suddenly felt like he was walking on eggshells, talking about last night. He had a vague memory of pissing her off, but he wasn’t sure how or why.</p><p>“I was coherent,” He protested. “You could at least understand what I was saying.” <em> That’s better than previous times </em>… Sokka thought, wincing as his mind brought him back to the two times he’d found out the next morning he’d drunk called Suki, only to have her pick up and not be able to understand him at all (it had happened not once, but twice. Sokka was sure if he and Suki were still friends (or on regular speaking terms), she’d tease the shit out of him for it). </p><p>“Generally yes, I could, but that isn’t exactly the threshold you should be aiming for.” Suki sighed, her eyes rolling almost audibly through the phone. Silence fell between them as Sokka walked through campus, just wandering around the buildings. The sun was about to start setting. “Are you really doing okay?” She asked a moment later, breaking the silence. “I mean… how are you feeling?”</p><p><em> How am I feeling? </em> Sokka almost laughed. He didn’t even know himself. “That’s a complicated question, Suki.”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>They fell silent. “Yeah.” He eventually choked out, his words felt caught in his throat. “Yeah, I’m… I’m okay.”</p><p>“Me too.” She answered softly. They fell silent, Sokka’s eyes trained on the ground as he walked. “Where do you think she’d be going to school?”</p><p>The question caught him off-guard. Usually on the anniversary, they’d watch movies, talk quietly, and just be there, be close to one another. Not… ask questions about their dead friend on the phone, thousands of miles away from each other. “I dunno,” Sokka looked up. The sky was turning pink and oranges now. It was beautiful. “Somewhere with a good marine biology program.”</p><p>“UMiami?” Suki offered. “I think she’d like it there. It’s near the ocean.”</p><p>Yue had loved the ocean. He’d taken her there on many dates, from romantic sunset picnics to just wandering the beaches at night with their toes in the freezing water. The thought made Sokka’s chest tighten. He tried not to think about those days. “Yeah. She would have.” </p><p>“Do you like California?” Suki asked a couple of awkward moments later when neither of them spoke. </p><p>“Yeah,” Sokka said quickly, glad for a change in topic. “Yeah, it’s super cool. Very hot though. Much hotter than home. What about Yale?”</p><p>“It’s… It’s good…” She didn’t elaborate. Sokka had to silently wonder if it really was good. A couple slowly walked by, looking at the sunset and smiling at each other. “I wanted to talk to you about something,” Suki added a moment later. “Something… other than Yue.”</p><p>“Okay.” That was unexpected. They hadn’t really “talked” since they were dating. Honestly, Sokka had just expected her to hang up once she was done making sure he was doing okay. “Shoot.”</p><p>“I… I wanted you to hear it from me first.” Suki’s words made his heart drop. “And not on some shitty instagram post or whatever, but… I met someone here.”</p><p>His whole world came to a screeching halt. Sokka slowed to a stop, his eyes blankly focused ahead. “Oh.” </p><p>“A girl,” Suki added quickly. “We went on our first date last week.”</p><p>Sokka’s brain was skipping like a record. <em> I met someone I met someone I met someone </em>. He couldn’t find any words within him other than “Oh.”</p><p>“I wanted to tell you myself so you didn’t freak out or anything when you did find out.” Suki paused for a moment before continuing, “I’m sorry I keep shutting you down when you say that you miss me. I miss you too, it’s just… it’s too hard, Sokka. It’s too hard to hear, especially now.”</p><p>“Oh,” Sokka brilliantly said for a third time, feeling his entire body sinking deeper and deeper into the ground. He felt like he was being buried. <em> Suki already found someone? And a </em> girl <em> ? </em>Sokka couldn’t help but wonder if he’d really been that bad of a boyfriend, that she’d had to go to a girl instead. He felt like throwing up. </p><p>“Please say something.” Suki pleaded after another moment of silence. “I don’t want to hurt you Sokka, I just… I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I’m…” Sokka cleared his throat, suddenly overly aware that he hadn’t been breathing. He took a deep, ragged breath, like there wasn’t enough oxygen left in the world. “I’m happy for you.” He tried his best to sound it. “Really, I am, that’s… that’s great!”</p><p>“Sokka-“</p><p>“It was just a little shocking, I guess.” Sokka made himself chuckle, biting his nails. Words were just falling out of his mouth now. “I mean, it’s not everyday you find out that your ex-girlfriend’s dating a woman.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Suki didn’t seem to know what to say. “I’m sorry.” She added.</p><p>“Don’t be.” Sokka felt like falling to the ground, but instead turned on his heel and quickly started walking back. He could feel a freak out coming. He regretted walking so far from his dorm. “I’m happy for you,” He repeated numbly. “I’ve gotta go,” He added quickly. “Sorry, I’ve… I’ve got a shit ton of homework to do.”</p><p>“Okay… I do too… Are you okay?” She asked again. It seemed to be everyone’s favorite question to ask him. His mind was swimming so much he didn’t have the energy or ability to get annoyed by it.</p><p>“I’m good, I promise. I’m not gonna drink myself into oblivion two nights in a row or like… do anything stupid. Even <em> I </em> know that’s a recipe for disaster. I promise I’m not that stupid. I actually just have a lot to do, I promise, I’m… I’m okay, I’m great.” Sokka felt himself rambling. He wasn’t sure how he could ramble about something completely different while his mind was running in loops, circling the <em> you weren’t good enough for her </em> in bright red marks. </p><p>“Okay.” Silence fell between them again. Sokka tried to quiet his ragged breaths, feeling tears spring to his eyes. <em> You weren’t good enough for either of them </em>. “I’ll… talk to you… soon?” Suki offered awkwardly.</p><p>Sokka nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Oh, uh, yeah… soon.” He had a feeling soon meant until this time next year. </p><p>“Take care, Sokka.” The call ended with a <em> beep beep </em>. </p><p>Instantly, Sokka let out a shaky, choked breath. <em> You weren’t good enough </em>. It felt like his throat was closing up. His head had started to pound again. He knew he should be happy for Suki, but all he could feel was fear deep in his stomach. His mind was spiraling, moving so fast from one point to another that Sokka barely had time to register them all. </p><p>How could he have been so <em> stupid </em>… Suki had moved on. Why couldn’t he? Why did he spend so much time with his thoughts occupied with her, when it was clear he barely crossed her mind at all? </p><p><em> She’d met someone </em>.</p><p>He felt a tear dribble down his cheek and he quickly wiped at it, choking back another shaky breath. He refused to cry, least in the middle of his college campus where anyone and everyone could see him, but his body was ignoring that. His entire body felt like it was collapsing, like his legs were going to give out.</p><p><em> Fuck </em> , he swore mentally, pressing a hand to his heart. He could feel it throbbing. <em> Calm down. Don’t do this again, don’t freak out, just… just fucking calm down, calm down </em>…  </p><p>He didn’t know where to go. He didn’t want to go back to his room. He wasn’t sure if Zuko would try to talk to him (usually, he’d risk it, but since they’d made their official pact of friendship, Sokka wasn’t sure what would happen) and he really was <em> not </em> in the mood to talk about his feelings. Especially with someone he’d just nonconsensually told a huge chunk of his life story too. Plus he felt like he was cracking. He didn’t want his roommate to see that. Zuko had just babysat a very drunk Sokka, he didn’t need to see him spiral into oblivion. </p><p>His breath caught again as his mind flicked back to Yue. <em> Yue </em> . Even years later, he could vividly remember almost everything about her. The way her long, white-blonde hair cascaded down her back, usually paired with a headband of some sort. The way her beautiful eyes seemed to see straight through him and all his bullshit, seeing everything about him -- about who he really, truly <em> was </em> . The way her smile would light up his room and make his heart skip a beat every damn time, even though he’d seen it a million times before. The way she’d say his name after he’d said or done something stupid or funny, her laugh like a literal angel’s song, “ <em> Oh Sokka </em>…” </p><p>For some reason, she’d loved him back. She’d said it, it had been the last words he’d ever heard her say, the day before she’d died. “<em> I love you, Sokka. Goodnight! </em> ” And then she’d hung up. And that was it. Sokka had no idea why she loved him, why she’d decided on <em> him </em> of all people. And then he had the audacity to, only a few weeks after she’d died, hook up with Yue’s best friend and proceed to date her for almost two years. <em> “Oh Sokka” </em> , He thought bitterly as his breath hitched again, <em> You fucking idiot </em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ft. sokka aggressively not being over suki or yue</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. friendship</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is kind of an exposition chapter lol but i wanted to introduce friends and actually get some stuff like rolling</p><p>idk bro</p><p>im working on it ok school is hard &amp; time consuming</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aang looped his arm through Sokka’s as they walked back to the locker room, smiling like an idiot. “Dude did you <em> see </em> that last shot I took?” He practically skipped, throwing his foot out in a fake kick. “It <em> flew </em> ! I basically created a <em> supernova </em>!”</p><p>Sokka scoffed, shaking his head. “I’m not entirely sure you know what a supernova is, buddy. But I’ve never seen Haru face plant like that.” He added with a small laugh.</p><p>“He looked <em> so mad </em> …” Aang laughed too before puffing his chest out in pride. “But it <em> was </em> basically an impossible shot to block.”</p><p>“Alright, Mr. MLS.” Sokka rolled his eyes. “I’ll let coach know that you’ll be recruited and won’t be joining us again.”</p><p>“Did you hear it hit the back of the net?! Like… KABAM!” Aang jumped again, kicking out before he landed gracefully on the ground. Sokka wondered how his friend had so much energy all the time. He hadn’t known Aang for very long, but Sokka hadn’t once seen the kid look tired… ever. He wondered if caffeine was permanently pumping through his veins instead of blood. </p><p>They walked into the locker room, following the rest of the team. They were only freshmen, so they didn’t see too much action in games, but Sokka was so glad to just be there. He loved playing -- ever since he was old enough to be playing, he was trying-out and climbing the ranks in drills until he eventually made the Varsity team his freshman year of high school. Soccer was one of the only things he felt confident in saying he was relatively good at.</p><p>“Did you finish the homework for CS tomorrow?” Aang asked, popping open his locker as he yanked his shirt up over his head. He was completely shaved bald, with spiraling tattoos littering his body. </p><p>“You think I do homework before it’s due?” Sokka answered sarcastically, pulling open his own locker. It squeaked and the sound grated on his nerves. It was stupid, but locker rooms always stressed him out. Something about the echoey sounds and the intense waves of testosterone that just made him… a little uneasy. </p><p>“Me neither,” Aang answered, grabbing fresh clothes from his locker as he continued to strip. “I didn’t even look at it yet, do you think it’ll be easy?” He paused and then laughed, “Don’t answer that, I know you’ll say yes, genius.”</p><p>Sokka felt his cheeks flush and his eyes widen as he grabbed his own clothes from inside. “I’m not a genius.”</p><p>Aang sighed. “Whatever you say, you’re top of our class according to the mid-term list. And you’re ahead by a <em> lot </em>.”</p><p>“I’m practically failing my english seminar,” Sokka complained, quickly changing his clothes. It didn’t make sense to him. Science and math had always just made sense in his head -- the equations, the patterns and the ways the numbers worked. But put him in an English class? Forget it. The second he tried to read anything, his brain started to implode and his focus went to shit. He had gotten a D in his last quiz in his class. His brain just didn’t follow the readings.</p><p>“Well all I know is that you’re not practically failing CS and that counts for something,” Aang answered. Sokka sighed, shaking his head as he pulled his hair out of it’s tight ponytail. It fell around his face, damp and sweaty, and he sighed. He felt absolutely exhausted. </p><p><em> Genius </em>. He almost laughed. Sure, he’d been salutatorian, but had he deserved it? His GPA had been high, sure, but at what cost? He’d worked himself bone dry, using a mix of caffeine and THC to get him through most days, as well as whatever amount of food his friends and family managed to get him to eat. There had always been a book out at friend events, always been study-guides on the buses too and from games, but Sokka’s attention had rarely ever been on it. </p><p>As long as he could remember, he’d always had… attention issues. It hadn’t ever been named (maybe it should have been, a long time ago), but they’d always been <em> there </em> and they’d always been aware of them. He would do anything to avoid doing school work -- video-games, drugs, guitar, drink, swim, soccer, to name a few. But in the end, right when it got down to it, he’d sit down and someone would help him through it. For a moment, he’d understand it, but then it’d be gone. He’d almost gotten it perfect. <em> Almost </em>. That was him, the almost perfect salutatorian who gave his speech a little bit tipsy. </p><p><em>God </em>he was stupid. </p><p>Sokka shook his head, sighing. He could faintly smell vape smoke and weed in the air, accompanied by sweat and various different body-sprays. It was an interesting combination, one he wasn’t at all unused to. He ruffled his hair, trying to air it out a little. He’d take a shower when he got back to his dorm. He wanted to be here for as least time as possible. </p><p>“Hey,” Aang called as he jumped, yanking warm, fuzzy sweatpants up around his waist. “Question I should probably know the answer to… Are you a computer science major? Sorry, I’ve been trying to, but I don’t remember.” He grinned awkwardly at him.</p><p>“Astrophysics,” Sokka corrected, pulling a sweatshirt over his torso. He smiled back at him, secretly glad Aang had forgotten too -- they’d been friends for a over a month now, but Sokka had met some many people so quickly and been told so many majors, concentrations, hometowns, and random facts to last him a lifetime that he couldn’t remember whose belonged to who. </p><p>Aang nodded rapidly. “Oh right, yeah. That’s so cool. Right, right, you like space?” He pointed up at the ceiling.</p><p>“Yeah, I think space is cool, I mean…” Sokka shrugged, feeling himself smile without meaning too. Ever since he had been a child, he’d had this fascination with space. He had space posters in his room even now, he had star charts (but not for white girl astrology, god no), at home he even had a telescope. “A vast unknown surrounding us containing who knows <em> what </em> for who knows how long? Yeah.” He felt his chest bubble with childish excitement. “I definitely think it’s fascinating. What are you majoring in again? Not that you’ll need to have a degree, since you’re so good that you’ll have to be taken out of school to play professional soccer,” Sokka added sarcastically.</p><p>Aang grinned. “Environmental science and sustainability. I’m minoring in computer science. Maybe some other stuff too, if I have the time.” <em> Right </em>, Sokka remembered. Aang shrugged. “Go with what makes me happy in the moment.”</p><p>One of the upperclassmen slammed a locker shut, cackling as they cheered and laughed obnoxiously. Sokka let out a sigh, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. Aang looked up from tying his shoe. “Hey wait, do you want to go do the homework together before dinner?” </p><p>Sokka nodded, pushing his sweaty  “Yeah sure.”</p><p>“Cool.” Aang shoved his other foot into his sneaker. “We can head back to my room, I have a single. I also…” He wiggled his eyebrows as he stood, his shoelaces tied lazily. “Have some surprises.”</p><p>Sokka raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure if I should be excited or scared for my life.”</p><p>Aang laughed, hooking his arm with Sokka’s again. “Definitely excited, I’d say. Come on. I promise, I’m not going to kill you or anything.”</p><p> </p><p>*************</p><p> </p><p>Aang threw his door open and stepped inside. “Come on.” He gestured with his head for Sokka to follow, so he did, shutting the door behind him. His room was bright, sunlight streaming in from thrown open curtains. Sitting on the heater, curled in a ball, was a small, white, brown, and black streaked kitten. Aang’s eyes lit up. “Appa!”</p><p>Sokka grinned instantly, watching as his friend ran over and picked up the little creature. He mewed softly, blinking sleepily as he stared at Aang. “Hey buddy!” Aang usually sounded excited, but he sounded <em> extra </em> excited talking to Appa. “How’ve you been? Sorry I left you, I had soccer practice.” Aang turned to face Sokka, stepping towards with two quick steps. He held Appa up to Sokka’s face, so they were eye level. “This is Uncle Sokka. Uncle Sokka, this is Appa.” </p><p>The kitten mewed again and batted at Sokka’s nose. Instantly, his heart disintegrated into a pile of mush. <em> Oh my god </em>. “Hi, Appa.” His voice was soft. </p><p>Aang stepped back, grinning as Appa started to squirm. “I finally got a new pen as well,” He added sheepishly. “That was the other surprise. But Appa’s obviously much more important,” He said, setting Appa down on his bed before starting to rummage through his desk drawers.</p><p>Sokka let his eyes wander around Aang’s room. It was cluttered, his bed pressed along the windowed wall. His walls were covered with abstract, colorful tapestries, as well as neon, LED lights that turned on with a click of Aang’s finger. The room was small, but Aang had made good use of it. There were plants that lined his windows as well, which Appa had gone over to chew. </p><p>“This is incredible,” Sokka said eventually, feeling himself smile a little. “I know I’ve said this before, but your room is <em> so cool </em>. And not just because you have a cat,” He gestured towards the little kitten as he pulled his bag off of his shoulders and set it on the floor.</p><p>Aang smiled. “Yeah. I couldn’t leave him behind.” He held a small, metallic battery out towards Sokka. “Do you want?”</p><p>Instinctually, Sokka took the pen. “Thank you,” Sokka said somewhat sheepishly. He was beginning to seriously regret not spending more time with Aang sooner. <em>I mean, drugs and a cat </em>and<em> a vibey-ass room?!</em> <em>Those are serious perks</em>.</p><p><em> Not that I use people for their drugs and pets </em>.  </p><p>“I feel like I haven’t gotten to see you in a while,” Aang admitted as he jumped up onto his bed. He was graceful, looking as though he almost glided through the air. “At least not since this weekend,” He added, laughing. “Did you recover alright from Saturday?” </p><p>Sokka felt his cheeks redden as he jumped up to sit next to him. He’d been so wrapped up with what had happened with Suki the day after that he’d almost managed to forget about the fact that pretty much everyone had witnessed him pretty much blackout. He honestly didn’t remember what had happened after he had hung up with Suki. “I was fine. I’m not a pussy, I can handle a hangover.” He admitted, bringing the battery to his mouth and inhaling.</p><p>Aang laughed. “You did drink more than half of a bottle of tequila.” </p><p>“Was it really more than half a bottle?” Sokka groaned, as he blew smoke out of his mouth. “Fuck.” </p><p>“Yeah, everyone was honestly impressed.” Aang was smiling, which put Sokka at ease a little bit. He felt embarrassed, but there was something comforting in the way Aang was talking. He couldn’t place it.  “Even Toph.”</p><p>That made Sokka smile. “I really impressed her? I thought that was impossible.” Their friend Toph had this on-going feud with Sokka, trying to prove that she was more of a “tank” than he was. It was stupid, he knew, but it was fun. It was just the type of stupid, brain-numbing college adventure shit he wanted to be doing.</p><p>“After we finally lost you, she turned to me and said, ‘I’m impressed he lasted as long as he did’.” Aang answered, nodding at him. Sokka’s smile fell. <em> Ouch </em>. “Where did you end up?”</p><p>“Uh…” Sokka tried to remember. It was embarrassingly fuzzy. “Zuko helped me back to the room.”</p><p>“Zuko?” Aang’s eyes widened. “Roommate Zuko?”</p><p>“Do you know another Zuko who would help me back to <em> the </em> room?” Sokka raised an eyebrow, taking another hit of his pen before handing it back to his friend.</p><p>“He was there?” Aang asked. “I thought you had asked and he didn’t want to come.”</p><p>“Yeah, no, he ended up coming after all…” Sokka remembered him coming earlier in the night as well. His roommate had just suddenly been there. They’d taken a shot together. <em> Had they really? </em> The kitten crawled over to them, laying down in between them. “God I wish I had brought a cat. I wonder if Zuko would let me get a cat.” He wondered aloud as he rubbed Appa’s head. </p><p>“Does he not like cats?” Aang asked, bringing the pen to his lips and drawing in again. </p><p>“He…” Sokka thought. “I don’t actually know. He doesn't seem to like <em> anything </em>, really. I wasn’t even sure he really liked me until recently. He’s still really closed off.” He wasn’t sure why he was spilling all of this to his new friend, but there it was -- his worries about his roommates, laid out. He really needed to learn how to shut up. His head was buzzing a little.</p><p>“Maybe he’s still just nervous,” Aang offered. “I mean, college is a big change.”</p><p>“Maybe…” Sokka sighed, shrugging slightly. Of course, it was more complicated than that -- he knew Sokka’s secret, his “tragic past” -- but he was smart enough to not talk about that. “Maybe he doesn’t like my whole ‘comic relief, lovable goofball’ schtick.” </p><p>Aang shook his head, smiling. “I’m sure thats not it.” </p><p>“Yeah, I’m just obviously too damn likeable.” Sokka sighed sarcastically. The lights suddenly had turned blue. Soft, lo-fi music began to play from a speaker. Sokka felt himself relax instantly. Appa had curled around Sokka’s hand and was staring up at him with wide, expecting eyes. He felt the corners of his mouth lift.</p><p>“Do you want to get started on the homework?” Aang asked a few moments later, opening his computer.</p><p>Sokka groaned. “<em> God </em> no.” Aang laughed. “Is there a lot?” He added, seeing Aang’s expression change from smiling to concentrated and serious as Aang looked at his screen. </p><p>“Not too much… I don’t think.” Aang didn’t sound sure, which Sokka took to be a bad sign. Sokka sighed as Appa suddenly spotted a toy on the ground and jumped down. He grabbed his own computer. “There's a couple different problem sets and stuff, I think that’s it…” </p><p>“Sounds painful,” Sokka sighed, finding the instructions and forcing himself to start his homework. Doing homework was easily his least favorite part of school. Sure, he hated lectures and the ridiculous amount of pressure that would fall on his shoulders the moment he entered a school building, but homework was easily the worst. That whole… focusing issue he had mentioned earlier really made it hard to… well, focus.</p><p>So far, he’d enjoyed most of college, even the classes. He had never been good at sitting in a classroom for hours and hours at a time, but now that he got to pick and choose his own classes, it was more bearable. It was much easier for him to listen to someone talk about space and engineering and weird, crazy anomalies than it was for him to listen to someone blabber on and on about the words of dead poets and writers.</p><p>That’s why he had focused on astrophysics. He loved space and math and science — and really, it just wasn’t <em> english </em>. Writing hadn’t ever been easy for him -- even lab papers -- but math had. Numbers just… made sense to him in a way that words didn’t. Suki had written the majority of his things, or at least sat with him and helped him struggle to find the words. Suki was good with words. She always knew exactly how to interpret what Sokka was thinking. </p><p>He let out a deep breath. <em> Suki </em>.</p><p>What felt like hours later, Sokka looked up from his computer again. Aang was biting the tip of his pen, the battery hanging out of his mouth as he concentrated, trying to figure out the next problem. He glanced at his phone to check the time. </p><p>They’d only been working for 15 minutes. </p><p>Sokka forced back a groan. <em> Fuck my life </em>.</p><p> </p><p>***************</p><p> </p><p>The dining hall was packed full of people. The noise was a bit overwhelming, but it was 6:30, which was rush hour. He and Aang had just finished their computer science homework for the night (which prompted Aang to declare “celebratory drugs”, as if they hadn’t been high the whole time). Sokka felt exhausted, which was terrible because he had several more hours worth of calculus and physics homework to do, but his head was still buzzing. </p><p>“Hi Toph, sorry we’re a little late,” Aang said as they approached the table. She was sitting at a table in the back, her plate of food half-eaten. Her cane was leaning up against the table. </p><p>“I was worried you got lost,” She smirked. “I had just about given up hope.”</p><p>“I’m glad to disappoint,” Aang smiled. </p><p>“It was honestly peaceful,” Toph sighed. “It was surprisingly nice without you two idiots talking all the time.”</p><p>“Wow, it’s pretty early in the meal to be hostile, don’t you think?” Sokka grinned, rolling his eyes. “We usually wait a little bit before we bully each other too bad.”</p><p>“There are no rules to meals, Sokka,” Toph waved a finger in his direction. “And I’m not being mean, you’re just being sensitive. How was kicking balls around for hours?” She asked, her fingers delicately finding her fork on the table.</p><p>“Oh, it was great. Aang’s literally about to go professional, in case you were wondering” Sokka grinned. “He’s been bragging all day.”</p><p>“Oh really?” Toph smirked.</p><p>“No, no,” Aang laughed, shaking his head. “I’m just really good is all, Sokka’s just making fun of me because he’s jealous.”</p><p>Sokka felt himself smile. “Jealous of <em> what </em> ? I don’t need to go pro for soccer, I’m <em> literally </em> an astrophysicist.”</p><p>“A freshman with a major in astrophysics,” Toph corrected. Sokka acted offended, but he felt himself relax even more. It felt nice to be among friends like this. Aang had met Sokka during computer science and soccer, and he had met Toph during an intro to environmental studies course. They’d all just… clicked, which had been a relief.</p><p>Sokka had been popular during high school, but for some reason, coming here had been… different. He felt like everyone had been judging him all throughout introductions and he’d spent a lot of time walking outside by himself or huddled in his bed, trying to reach out unsuccessfully to Zuko. Something had just… switched. Maybe without Yue or Suki, he just wasn’t as appealing.</p><p><em> Don’t think like that </em>, Sokka forced his mind back to the discussion. Toph and Aang had started talking about their enviro class that day, rambling on about something stupid someone had said. His eyes glanced down to the food on his plate. It looked relatively unappetizing to him, but he just didn’t feel very hungry at all. He stabbed a piece of meat, dragging it around the rest of his food as Aang pulled out his own metal fork. “I use my own, for the environment,” He said, pointing his form at Toph. “I hate that they give you plastic forks every time.”</p><p>Sokka felt himself grin. “Aang, your environmental science major is showing.” <em> Look, I remember</em>, his high brain laughed.</p><p>“Nerd,” Toph smiled. Sokka could barely see her eyes because of a long layer of bangs, but she didn’t exactly need them to be uncovered. She was blind, which gave her perks like a single on the first floor (no stairs). She could also get a therapy animal very easily, Aang claimed. </p><p>“Sokka, you’re a nerd too,” Aang complained. “You like <em> space </em>. That’s pretty nerdy.”</p><p>“Ooh, Aang’s right,” Toph giggled. “Space is pretty nerdy too. Maybe even more nerdy than the environment. Don’t you have space posters up in your room, Sokka?” She asked accusingly.</p><p>Sokka felt his cheeks redden. “I’ll have you know, space is literally infinite. There are things you can’t even begin to <em> understand </em> in space, okay? Just because you don’t understand it and I do doesn’t mean you have to be mean to be me.” </p><p>“I could understand it if I wanted to,” Toph crossed her arms. </p><p>“Aren’t you a law student?” Sokka pointed his fork at her. “Are you even <em> taking </em> a math course?”</p><p>“It’s hard to take math courses when you’re <em> blind </em>,” Toph pointed back at her own face. “I graduated high school, okay? I took enough math courses then.”</p><p>“There’s a difference between space and math, anyways,” Aang offered.</p><p>“I mean, any ‘space’ course is probably going to have some kind of math in it.” Sokka sighed. “But how would I know, right?” Once Sokka had committed to UC Berkeley as an astrophysics major, he had planned out every course for every semester to make sure he’d finish his major by graduation (he had told himself he was getting ahead, but really he had just not wanted to pay attention in classes that day). He had a <em> lot </em> of math courses to go.</p><p>But his friends didn’t care about that. They’d rather gaslight and bully the hell out of him for no reason than have a normal conversation, but it was strangely comforting. And he loved them for that. Or maybe he was just high. </p><p>He found his mind wandering back to his roommate, to the kid who took a shot with Sokka, who listened to his drunken rambles, who helped him stagger back to the room... who Sokka imagined was sitting in their room alone. Maybe he should have seen if Zuko wanted to come to dinner with them. He hadn’t even thought about it. He wondered if Zuko really did want to be his friend. He wondered when he’d begun to doubt if people genuinely wanted to be his friend. </p><p>Sokka let out a breath. <em> He wouldn’t have reminded me of it if he didn’t want to be friends. He clearly does. Don’t be stupid, Sokka </em> . <em> I know that’s hard, but c’mon </em>. He made a secret vow to finally really talk to Zuko when he got back to his room. </p><p>
  <em>It can’t be that hard. Right?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>*************</p><p> </p><p>The opening of the door startled him. Zuko looked up quickly from his conversation, away from the floating <em> … </em>’s on his screen, just in time to see Sokka re-enter the room. His hair was hung loose around his face, a different look than usual. For just a moment, Sokka’s expression dipped, moving to one of complete exhaustion. Then, just as quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared as Sokka smiled, turning to face him. Zuko thought he might have imagined it. “Hey there buddy,” His roommate tossed his backpack onto his bed, moving towards his side of the room. “How’ve ya been?”</p><p>Zuko hadn’t seen Sokka all day. Zuko had been alone in the room for almost 6 hours by the time Sokka came back to the room. He’d gotten out of classes early and Sokka wasn’t in the room when he had gotten there. He remember Sokka had soccer early in the afternoon on Wednesdays. </p><p>Without him, the silence had been weird and almost disappointing. Zuko had gotten comfortable with the awkward silence that always seemed to befall them. He liked looking up and seeing Sokka working, chewing on the end of a pencil or tugging on his hair. Ever since he had decided to go to the party, there had been something weird and unspoken between them. Zuko’s hopes were high. He’d settle for friendship, but he couldn’t get past his childish hopes that it was… something else.</p><p><em> You’re not supposed to date your roommate, Zuzu </em> , He could practically hear Azula chiding him. <em> That’s like the number one rule</em>.</p><p>He awkwardly cleared his throat, nodding his head. “I’m good. Good. How are you?” <em> Way to be casual</em>, Zuko chided himself. </p><p>But Sokka didn’t seem to notice his stumbles. “I’m alright,” He ran a hand through his messy hair, letting out a breath. “I’ve got so much to do,” The corners of his roommate's mouth rose, despite the edge in his voice.</p><p>“Homework?” Zuko sat forward. He felt slightly uncomfortable, out of his usual realm of expertise. He was good at pushing people away, not actually talking to them and wanting them to <em> like </em> him… especially not when they just so happened to be his extremely attractive roommate who was <em> changing </em>- “What classes? Are they-- What classes are they for?” Zuko stumbled even more, his heart in his throat all of a sudden as he looked away. </p><p>Sokka moved, completely oblivious as he opened his laptop. “Uh… calculus and physics… but, I have other homework I have to get started on too, I have to actually try and read the book I have to write a paper on for English…” He kept talking, rambling on and on (if there was one thing about Sokka that Zuko had learned from being his roommate (however distant roommate), it was that he <em> rambled </em> . And <em> god </em> did Zuko find it unwillingly endearing), but the words began to blur together in Zuko’s brain. He hesitantly glanced back up, very aware of the fact that Sokka still wasn’t wearing a shirt. Sokka was gesturing, saying something about <em> the book’s name is literally a slur, I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to think about that </em>, but Zuko’s heart caught in his throat. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Sokka’s sculpted chest. He knew Sokka played soccer so he had to be in shape, but this wasn’t helping--</p><p>Zuko’s phone dinged loudly, interrupting both Zuko’s <em> horrible </em> wandering mind and Sokka’s endless rambles. “Someone calling?” Sokka asked, shaking his head. </p><p>Zuko’s heart was pounding. He grabbed his phone, picking it up and glancing at the message -- <em> Azula: uncle wants to call you sometime tonight. he misses you </em>. He shook his head. “It’s nothing. Just my sister.”</p><p>Sokka’s eyebrows raised and he finally grabbed a shirt, pulling it over his head so Zuko could finally <em> look away </em> (he felt terrible, he didn’t want to objectify and stare. He’d failed miserably at <em> not </em> having a crush on him, as he’d first attempted to do). “Oh? You have a sister too?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Zuko nodded. “Azula. She’s 17. I have to call her and my uncle tonight.”</p><p>Sokka pushed his hair back from his eyes, but it stubbornly fell back into place. “Right, right… Your uncle is the one who moved you in, right?” Zuko nodded again. “Do you live with him?” Zuko nodded a third time, unsure of what to say. He didn’t feel like explaining… why. But Sokka had told him about his ex-girlfriends, maybe he was expected to open up? Sokka spoke before Zuko could decipher his next words, “That’s cool. My sister’s 17 too. Her name’s Katara. She’s actually looking here for school for next year. I guess she can’t stand to be away from me for too long,” He smirked, joking.</p><p>Zuko let out a breath. “That’s cool. Does she play soccer too?” </p><p>“She swims, actually,” Sokka shrugged. “She used to play soccer when she was little, but she’s by far the best swimmer in our school’s team. Plus she’s super smart. She’s planning on majoring in biology.” Sokka sighed. “She’s pretty cool, I guess.” </p><p>“My sister is going to major in law and justice, and minor in dance.” Zuko explained. Sokka had sat down at his bed, scrolling through his computer. He wondered if he should stop talking, give him time to do his homework since he had so much. “She’s… she’s cool.” <em> Intense </em>.</p><p>For a moment, they fell silent. Zuko let out a breath. <em> That was good </em> . He had held his own in a conversation, he’d had a <em> real </em> conversation with Sokka. That was progress, at least to friendship… He needed to make at least one friend.</p><p><em> Yes, and go for the guy that makes your heart do jumping jacks, Zuzu. </em> Azula’s words came back to him. He had called her earlier and found himself explaining his situation. She had teased him relentlessly. He hoped she didn’t say anything when he called their uncle later. </p><p>Then, Sokka spoke again, “Did you go to dinner?” </p><p>Zuko felt his cheeks flush a little and he looked away. “Uh, no… I didn’t.” He never went to dinner. They had a microfridge in their room. Zuko’s trash was filled with microwavable ramen, mac and cheese, and other microwavable meals. He just… didn’t have anyone to sit with, so why would he leave his room to go?</p><p>“You can come eat with me and my friends sometime, if you’d like,” Sokka added a moment later. </p><p>He offered it so easily, so effortlessly, it almost made Zuko’s head spin. He hadn’t ever been offered a place at a lunch table, never once been asked to join anyone to eat. He hadn’t been liked in high school -- he had been going through an aggressive emo phase (one he was just barely starting to leave now) as well as being known as <em> that </em> kid with <em> the </em> scar and <em> the </em> parent. And now this boy, this <em> gorgeous </em> boy, was just… offering him a spot at the table.</p><p>It was almost too much for him to handle.</p><p>Zuko smiled despite himself. He nodded. “That sounds nice. Thank you.”</p><p>Sokka grinned back with that damn charming smile of his, making Zuko’s heart do a few jumping jacks “‘Course.” Even if they didn’t say another word all night and even if it was for a stupid reason, Zuko knew he would go to bed happy tonight with the image of Sokka’s grin imprinted into the back of his mind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. overworked</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i know absolutely nothing about uc berkeley, i don't go there or to a school like it at all lol i just picked it for some reason</p><p>this is a sad chapter poor sokka<br/>also idk where this came from, but it exists now and this is my story wtf can y'all do about it lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Aang: dinner 2night? rn? </em>
</p><p>Sokka looked up from his homework. He was trying (and failing) to read a book. He had to write an essay on it, then complete a graded discussion about it the next day, and he hadn’t even read the damn thing. It wasn’t due until later in the week, thankfully. <em> Sokka: ye sure </em></p><p>
  <em> Toph: no fuck you </em>
</p><p>Sokka smirked. That was normal. It was why he loved his friends. They made him laugh. He looked up from his phone, over at the other side of his room. Zuko was staring intently at his computer, but in his hands were a pencil and sketchbook. He was drawing in long, broad strokes. </p><p>Sokka stood, walking over towards him. Zuko looked over as Sokka neared him, his eyes widening. “What are you drawing?” Sokka asked, sticking his hands in his pockets. </p><p>Zuko looked taken aback. Sokka hoped he hadn’t appeared too forceful. He was just curious… and relentlessly awkward. “Just…” Zuko hesitantly turned his sketchbook, showing a beautiful pencil-drawn version of a human face. “It’s for a class,” He added quickly. “My art credit. Drawing one.”</p><p>“That’s really good,” Sokka pointed at Zuko’s art, his eyes widening. “Like… wow.” He grinned. “I didn’t know you were an artist.”</p><p>Zuko’s cheeks flushed. “I’m… not.”</p><p>“Anyways, my friends are headed to dinner now,” Sokka added, shrugging. “Do you want to come? If you’re not busy with your awesome drawings,” He smiled.</p><p>Zuko seemed to mull it over for a second, thinking. Then, he nodded, a hesitant smile coming over his face. “Sure. I’ll come.”</p><p><em> Hell yeah! </em> Sokka felt like fist-pumping. <em> Victory! Finally! </em> “Alright. Let’s go.”</p><p>****************</p><p> </p><p>“Hey guys,” Sokka grinned, pulling his seat out with his foot and sitting down. “Meet Zuko, the roommate. Room 213’s other half.” </p><p>Zuko awkwardly joined the table, hesitantly sitting across from Sokka and next to Aang. “Hello… Zuko here.” He said awkwardly, waving ever so slightly. “I’m… what he said.” Zuko cleared his throat, his cheeks flushed red.</p><p>Aang grinned, waving back. “Hello, Aang here! I’m Sokka’s soccer pal. And this is Toph,” He added, pointing to her. “She’s my friend.”</p><p>“I’m blind,” Toph sighed. “Let’s get that out of the way quick.”</p><p>“Oh.” Zuko seemed taken aback. “Okay.” </p><p>“I also have a cat,” Aang smiled, pulling out his phone. The lock-screen was a very cute picture of Appa. “His name’s Appa. You can come see him whenever you want, now that you’ve joined our friend group. He’s like our mascot.”</p><p>“Our <em> mascot </em>?” Toph scoffed. </p><p>“Yeah, our mascot. What else would it be?” Aang demanded. The two began to bicker loudly, instantly ignoring the fact that Zuko and Sokka were even there. </p><p>Sokka laughed, turning to Zuko. “Yeah. This is pretty much how it usually goes.” For a moment, his stomach turned. He couldn’t read Zuko’s expression. “What do you think…?” He asked hesitantly. </p><p>Zuko glanced over at Sokka, looking taken aback. Then, he laughed and smiled. It was a good look on him, his golden eyes crinkled. “This is fantastic.”</p><p> </p><p>************************</p><p> </p><p>Sokka ran through his mental checklist. <em> Soccer practice, check. CS homework, check. English paper, working on it </em>. He let out a breath. He had told himself tonight that he needed to finally sit down and do his paper… mainly because it was due tomorrow and Sokka hadn’t even finished the book yet.</p><p>He really was trying. But everytime he looked at the pages, his mind immediately said <em> uh, nope </em> and went to a completely different subject, refusing to focus on the one thing he <em> needed </em> it to focus on. His head hurt. He knew he had only been working for a few minutes, but his head was throbbing and had been all day. He could barely focus.</p><p>Zuko was sitting on his bed. His legs were crossed. He was focusing on his own homework -- <em> look, he can focus </em> . He wasn’t looking at Sokka. <em> Maybe I should talk to him </em> . Sokka thought, before scolding himself. <em> Maybe I should do my homework </em>.</p><p>It went that way for the rest of the night -- try to read, words float around, distract self, look at Zuko, try to talk to him, chicken out, try to write <em> something </em>, get distracted again, repeat. It was a sad cycle. </p><p><em> This… isn’t good </em>. </p><p> </p><p>**************</p><p> </p><p>Sokka walked up to his teachers desk, his eyes wide. The events of the past hour and a half kept replaying in his mind over and over again. The class had been a graded discussion, talking about the book they were supposed to have written their first paper about. Sokka had spent so long going over the words, reading it over and over and over, but none of it made sense. His mind just wouldn’t stay <em> put </em> . Sure, he could <em> read </em>, he was literate. But he just couldn’t focus. Forget about writing it, he was glad to have written anything coherent on the page. He’d even been sober, sitting in the corner of his room, silently pulling out his hair and attempting to not wake up Zuko. </p><p><em> Salutatorian. You can do better than this </em> . He kept telling himself that. <em> They are just words. Put them on the page </em>. But Sokka hadn’t even known what he was arguing.</p><p>When his teacher had called him back, Sokka’s heart had dropped. He just knew it was bad, he knew something was wrong. “Is everything okay, Mrs. Choa?” He managed, his voice barely squeaking out. </p><p>“Sokka, I… took a look at your first draft,” She bit her lip, clearly looking for the best way to say <em> you’re fucking stupid, kid </em>. “It seems like you may have had a bit of trouble understanding your book… You seemed confused while writing. Would you say that’s right?”</p><p>“I…” Sokka’s heart felt like it was caught in his throat. He didn’t know what to say. He’d always had trouble writing and getting his words out, but Suki had helped him. Katara had helped him sometimes too, but it had been too late. Plus he was older, he could write a goddamn essay. He had been salutatorian. He wasn’t stupid. Words just didn’t work like numbers did. “I guess,” He found himself saying.</p><p>“What was confusing for you?” She asked, leaning forwards. “The language in the book? Or the content? I know, the ancient water tribe nexts can be a little bit difficult to understand sometimes, but-”</p><p>“N-No, no, that’s not…” Sokka shook his head quickly, trying to explain what his problem was. “It’s just… I couldn’t focus,” He admitted.</p><p>“Oh?” Mrs. Choa raised an eyebrow. “You couldn’t focus? Did you read the book?”</p><p>“I tried, i-it just…” Sokka tried to steady himself, but he felt completely and utterly exhausted. He’d been up all night trying to make sense of the words on the page and on his computer screen. He had been trying, he really bad, but nothing had worked. “I-I really struggled with i-it, and…”</p><p>“Son, this is an honors course,” Mrs. Choa crossed her arms. “The material is going to be difficult. I know you’ve been struggling since the beginning, maybe-”</p><p>“No!” Sokka felt panicked now. “No, I’m not stupid, I just…” His heart really <em> was </em> caught in his throat. He was choking on it, the words getting stuck. “I-I’m just-”</p><p>“Listen,” Mrs. Choa let out a breath. “I’m going to give you an extension on the essay, okay? Until Wednesday. But I want you to understand that going down to a non-honors course doesn’t mean that you’re stupid, Sokka. This program just… isn’t for everybody. It’s hard.”</p><p>Sokka swallowed hard, but his heart wouldn’t budge. He gave a brief nod. At this point, he just wanted to leave, to head back to his room. His head was swimming, his stomach turning. He felt sick. “T-Thank you for the extension,” Sokka heard himself mumbled. “I-I’ll have it in b-before Wednesday…”</p><p>The walk back to his dorm felt like a daze, like he was wandering through a desert. His head was spinning, his stomach turning. He was <em> failing </em> . He’d have to drop down to a different class, entering it almost half-way into the semester. He’d be labeled as <em> the stupid one </em> , <em> the peaked-in-high-school </em> . But Sokka <em> wasn’t </em> , he didn’t peak in high school. He was so much better, but he just, he couldn’t <em> focus </em>.</p><p>His breath hitched and he was startled to realize his eyes were wet. They wanted him to drop the honors program. That was how he was paying, that was a <em> huge </em> chunk of his financial aid. Without being in the honors program, he… He’d have to drop out, he’d have to go home. His mind was racing. He needed to get a plane, god, he should start packing-</p><p>Sokka felt bile rise in his throat and, just to his luck, he was right next to a vacant bathroom. He ducked inside, locking it before dropping to his knees and completely emptying his stomach. He was shaking as he took ragged breaths. <em> It’s okay </em> , he tried to tell himself, his head spinning. <em> It’s okay, you have an extension, you can fix it, you can fix it </em>- </p><p>His stomach cramped again and he gagged, but there was nothing else to throw up. He coughed, wincing. <em> Ouch </em> … His head was still spinning. <em> This program just… isn’t for everybody </em>.</p><p>He needed the financial aid. His dad… they couldn’t pay for it. </p><p>Sokka slowly rose off the bathroom floor, flushing away the insides of his stomach before stepping outside. He numbly pushed on his door to his room before realizing he needed to use the handle. The door slowly opened to reveal his room. He felt like a zombie as he stepped inside, his heart pounding a little too loud in his head. He felt exhausted and wide awake, his entire body felt like it was vibrating. He still felt sick. </p><p><em> This program just isn’t for everybody </em>.</p><p>He needed to call his dad.</p><p>“Sokka?” He jumped at the sound of his name, spinning. Zuko was sitting on his bed, looking concerned. “Are you okay-”</p><p>“Oh, hey Zuko,” Sokka tried to laugh, but it was breathy. His vision was spinning ever so slightly. “I’m, I’m great, I just, I need to call my dad.” He grabbed at his phone, bringing it up. <em> Dad, I’m going to be forced to drop out of the honors program, I have to come home, I’m so sorry I’m such a disappointment </em>. Sokka felt a flash of heat and let out a shaky breath. “G-God, it’s hot in here, huh, is that just me…”</p><p>“Sokka, you’re really pale.” Zuko warned, standing up. “I think you should sit down.” He reached out, moving to grab Sokka’s arms.</p><p>Sokka stepped back, stumbling a little. “I’m fine, Zuko, I just, I need to call my dad, I-I’m sorry-” His breath hitched, his phone suddenly falling from his fingers as he stumbled again, falling forwards, his breathing speeding up so fast his vision blurred and his eyes began to ring. His vision started to darken and before he knew it, he blacked out.</p><p> </p><p>************</p><p> </p><p>Zuko jumped forwards, his eyes wide. He grabbed Sokka’s shoulders, holding him up as his knees started to buckle. His heart leapt. “Sokka!” Zuko yelped, gently laying his roommate back onto his bed. “Sokka?!” Zuko stared down at him, watching the boy attentively.</p><p>Suddenly, Sokka’s eyes flew open again. His normally bright, intelligent blue eyes were clouded with fear, red and exhausted. “Z-Zuko?” His voice was shaking still. His breath hitched and he blinked long and hard. “W-Whoa, I-”</p><p>“Take a deep breath,” Zuko kept his hand on Sokka’s back, watching as the other boy’s body began to wrack itself with shudders. Zuko had realized what it was -- <em> panic attack </em>. He used to have those too. He still did, sometimes, but that didn’t matter. “In through your nose, out through your mouth.” Zuko repeated. “Deep breaths, Sokka.”</p><p>“I-I’m fine-” Sokka mumbled, shaking his head slightly. “Z-Zuko…” He was doing as Zuko said despite his objections, his chest shaking as it rose and fell. Zuko hadn’t ever seen anyone look that helpless before. He hadn’t known his roommate was struggling like that. <em> What had happened? </em></p><p>Zuko exaggerated his breathing, mimicking how his mom would have helped him through a panic attack. <em> His mom </em>. The thought of her made him flinch. He didn’t like to think of her. It hurt too much. But that didn’t matter right now. His roommate -- no, his friend was struggling. </p><p>Sokka took a deep breath, letting out a shaky puff of air. “S-Sorry, I… I dunno what came over me… I’m just… <em> fucked </em> …” His voice cracked. Zuko watched him blink back tears. “I… I can’t focus anymore, the words just weren’t making sense to me and I’m not even high, it wasn’t making sense and…” Sokka gave a shaky breath, a tear finally breaking onto his face. “I-I couldn’t write my essay because I… I-I didn’t <em> g-get </em> it, so duh… b-but she’s d-disappointed a-and-” He winced, pressing a hand to his chest. “O-Ow.”</p><p>“Okay, deep breath.” Zuko repeated, trying to make sense of Sokka’s broken story. “You… you think your teacher is disappointed in you?” He asked. Sokka gave a shaky nod. It was startling to see his roommate -- <em> Sokka </em> : attractive, strong, soccer-playing, intelligent <em> Sokka </em> -- look so sad and so young. “Why?”</p><p>Sokka gave a wet laugh, tears running down his face freely now. “B-Because she s-said so. T-This program just isn’t f-for everybody.” His voice broke in a shaky sob. “F-Fuck. I need to c-call my…” His voice broke again and he choked.</p><p>Zuko didn’t know what to do. But if Sokka needed to talk to his family, then he figured that was best. Zuko grabbed his roommates phone, holding it out to him. The screen lit up and Zuko found himself staring at Sokka’s background picture. It was a photograph of him and who he assumed was his sister, Katara. They looked similar, both smiling with blue face-paint smeared across their faces -- probably their school colors. Sokka looked sweaty and was in his soccer uniform, whereas Katara was in a cropped blue shirt with their school logo on it. They looked happy. </p><p>Sokka’s shaking hands grabbed his phone and Zuko suddenly felt guilty for staring. He felt like he needed to mention it. “Is that your sister…?” </p><p>Zuko saw Sokka pause, staring down at the photograph. “O-Oh.” His chest was shaking, but he looked up at Zuko. “Y-Yeah, it… it is…”</p><p>“She seems cool,” Zuko said awkwardly. <em> Maybe this wasn’t a good idea after all </em> , Zuko chided himself. <em> Way to seem really creepy towards your crush’s </em> sister <em> , idiot! </em></p><p>“Y-Yeah… S-She is…” Sokka looked back down at the picture, his shoulders rising and falling quickly. Then, he quickly dialed a contact and laid down onto the bed. </p><p>Zuko wandered away, back to his side. He put his headphones on, but he didn’t play any music. He knew he should have, but he wanted to make sure Sokka was okay. </p><p><em> Eavesdropping </em> , He could practically hear Azula say. <em> You’re growing eviler by the day, Zuzu </em>.</p><p>“Katara,” Sokka’s voice was soft. Zuko was surprised. He had thought he would call his dad. But… “Hi.” He took a shaky breath. “Can I… talk to you… and then dad, but you first…” </p><p>Zuko looked down at his phone, bringing up his sister's contact. He wasn’t sure why he felt so insistent on involving his sister in all of his doings, but here he was. But Zuko really just… didn’t know what to do. <em> Zuko: I think Sokka is freaking out </em></p><p>Seemed about right.</p><p>“Okay, but… I’m just…” Sokka took a deep breath. “Overwhelmed. I don’t, I just… I didn’t think I’d ever say it, but I miss you and I think you’d like it here.” Sokka paused, then gave a sniffly scoff. “So what if I am? I’m going to retract what I just said, dork.” Another pause. “I can’t believe I ever said I missed you. Was I this annoying at your age? Wait actually don’t-” Sokka laughed and it sounded somewhat genuine. “You didn’t need to answer that. Rude.”</p><p>Zuko’s phone vibrated in his hands. <em> Azula: oh really? How so? </em></p><p>
  <em> Zuko: i think he was panicking </em>
</p><p>“Yeah, no, I’m okay…” Sokka let out a breath. “J-Just… you know, having a… yes, I’m fine, don’t worry… I missed you too, okay? I missed our calls earlier this week.” He winced. “Yeah, I know, that’s my fault. Sorry about that. How’s swimming been?”</p><p>Zuko glanced up from his computer, which he obviously wasn’t doing anything on. His eyes locked on Sokka. His roommate was staring at the wall, his phone pressed up to his ear lazily. He looked exhausted, his chiseled face tense but tired. Sokka’s hair was falling out of his ponytail, which Zuko had realized almost always happened by the end of the day. His arms were lean and muscular. His entire <em> body </em> was lean and muscular… <em> You’re staring </em>, Zuko chided himself. He looked away. </p><p>“Oh, nice, wait- I - is that dad?” Sokka asked his sister. “Wait, can I… Hey dad. I-” He paused. “I’m… I’m good, yeah, I… I’m doing good. L-Listen, I-” His voice had started to shake again. “Dad-”</p><p>Sokka fell silent, his eyes fluttering shut. “D-Dad, I’m failing my h-honors English class. The t-teacher j-just said I m-might n-need to…” He choked. “D-Drop it-” He cut off. Zuko could vaguely hear his dad’s voice from here, talking loudly and rapidly. </p><p><em> Oh </em> . <em> So that’s what happened </em> . Zuko knew that Sokka was an honors student, getting significant financial aid due to his excellent grades. He needed a good GPA, as well as to fulfill certain required classes, to get the scholarship for all four years. Zuko was also a scholarship student, so he understood. <em> Damn </em> .<em> That's... That's intense.</em></p><p>“D-Dad, please, I-” Sokka stopped talking again. “I already f-feel <em> awful </em> , dad, just let me-” His voice broke. Zuko felt guilty for listening, but Sokka wasn’t exactly being quiet anymore. “D-Dad, I’m working on i-it, okay?! I-I got an extension, I just… I-I can’t <em> focus </em> a-anymore, not even… m-my science stuff, I-I can’t read and I can’t f-focus…” Tears were streaming down Sokka’s face. “I’m sorry…”</p><p> </p><p>********************</p><p> </p><p>By the time Sokka hung up with his dad, he felt completely and utterly exhausted. His body and energy were both spent. He just wanted to curl up into a ball, collapse onto the ground, and die. That’d be great. He felt dead already.</p><p>His dad’s words kept ringing in his ear. <em> Sokka, if you’re struggling this much, we should have talked about it earlier. We can get someone for you to talk to. Maybe get you tested for ADHD. </em></p><p>He’d somehow managed to spin it back onto him. <em> Him </em> . Yeah, because it was <em> his </em> fault. </p><p><em> It kind of is </em>, the negative part of his brain laughed. </p><p>Sokka had been laying, staring up at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Zuko hadn’t spoken since… the incident. Sokka knew he’d have to talk to him, explain (if he didn’t already know, he was right there) and probably explain what happened earlier, even though Sokka had no fucking clue. That just… <em> happened </em> sometimes. He’d just completely shut up and panic. He’d been told it was a panic attack, but he hadn’t ever gotten it diagnosed.</p><p><em> Maybe I should do that </em> … He thought, almost laughing at his own misery. <em> I have practice in a- wait when- </em> Sokka grabbed his phone, clicking it. It was 3:49. He had 11 minutes to get change and to the other side of campus in time for practice. </p><p>His phone chirped at him. <em> Aang: where r u bro? practice in 15 </em> with the soccer ball emoji</p><p>Sokka felt his heart sink. “<em> Fuck </em>.” He threw off his shirt, moving as quickly as his exhausted body would allow him. His head was spinning, but he had to get to practice. </p><p>“Sokka?” Zuko offered. Sokka jumped. His voice startled him. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“I-I’m late for practice,” Sokka took a deep breath, his voice hitching. “I need to go-”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Zuko seemed confused. “You just-”</p><p>“I’m fine, Zuko. I n-need to go.” Sokka slid his feet into his sneakers, tying his shoes loosely and grabbing his cleats for later. “My coach makes you run a lap for every minute you’re late.” With that, he took off out the door.</p><p> </p><p>*************************</p><p> </p><p>Sokka made it half-way before he tapered off to the side, breathing so fast he felt like he was going to black out. His insides burned, his throat aching. He felt like throwing up, but he didn’t think there was anything left inside him to come up. He felt terrible, but he slowly rose again. His entire body said, <em> No, Sokka. Lay back down, you fucking idiot. Go to bed, the flowers smell nice </em>, but he pressed himself forwards, taking off in an uncomfortable run again. </p><p>His body felt exhausted. He wondered if he was going to die if he ran too much. He hadn’t ever heard of anyone running so many laps they died, but he was pretty sure in this condition, he’d be the first, especially if he was late. He glanced down at his phone. <em> 4:03 </em>. </p><p>Sokka swore as he rounded onto the field, throwing his shit onto the ground and throwing himself onto the bench. <em> 3 minutes late. 3 fucking laps </em>. The rest of the team was already out on the field running their warm-up lap. Just now, Sokka was realizing how much he ran on a daily basis. It was incredible, not to mention all the other shit they did -- crunches, sit-ups… No wonder he had abs.</p><p>Of course, it was going to <em> kill </em> him today. </p><p>His coach walked over to him as he tied his cleats on. “You’re late, Sokka.”</p><p>“I know,” Sokka mumbled, struggling to push his foot into his cleat. “I’m sorry coach.”</p><p>“3 extra laps.” He said, turning back and clapping, cheering on the remaining people. <em> Fuck </em>. Sokka’s head started to throb as he ran. He felt awful. </p><p>
  <em> This program just isn’t for everybody.  </em>
</p><p>Aang ran over to Sokka. He was always one of the first ones done with running exercises. He was ridiculously fast. “Where were you? Did you forget again?” Aang laughed, but his voice sounded distant and far away. Sokka slowly shook his head and stood. He felt sick. He hadn’t been breathing right since… a while, at this point. “Sokka?” Aang sounded worried. </p><p><em> Fuck </em>. He felt faint. </p><p>
  <em> This program just isn’t for everybody.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Sokka, if you’re struggling this much, we should have talked about it earlier. </em>
</p><p><em> You’re late, Sokka. 3 extra laps </em>. </p><p>He took a step forwards, ready to run when suddenly, his whole world tilted to the side and Sokka’s vision darkened again. But this time, he welcomed it.</p><p><em>Finally</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>yeah what do u think lmk<br/>thank u for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>